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Grief is not a circle..

 Do you know that there are 5 stages of grief? I only knew about it when my papa passed away and I could not feel better even after months. The stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They say depression is the longest stage and I have lived through it so I will agree. After 9 months of my dad’s passing when I did not feel better and met a psychologist, she confirmed that I am going through the longest stage of grief and there is no other way to get out of it than feeling my deepest sadness. She gave various advices which she said would help; crying out as much as I want was the top most. Since I was in a bad state, it was easy to follow her topmost advice. 

After a month or so, I decided to give working out a chance. I had read that its good for mental health. I thought if nothing than I will at least have a better body and thinking that I started working out in March. 

Initial days were okay. I used to think about my dad all the time while working out on treadmill or elliptical. I used to think so much about him that many a times, I used to cry silently in the gym. This went on and off for months. His memories used to flash in front of my eyes, I used to smile and cry thinking of all things related to him. I work out in the morning so basically I could spent 1 hour everyday with my father’s memories and that healed me immensely. Within a few months, I got addicted to that 1 hour and on the days when I could not go to gym, I was angry and irritable. 

Its not until recently I realised that I don't continuously think about my dad while working out. I now actually focus on my workouts and my playlist. I realised that my grief is fading and as I read, I am entering into the acceptance phase. 

Its different for everyone but working out helped me heal mentally/emotionally and I hope that I never stop working out for my mental and physical health. I feel sad somewhere that I am letting my grief fade. I used to think and feel that grief is a circle and you keep running in it indefinitely but well I was certainly wrong. Its not a circle, it instead is a deep dark tunnel which has a light in the end. We just need to keep moving..

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