Disclaimer: this post is about my papa's death and how I dealt-dealing with it. I have only written it because writing helps me feel better, I feel relieved when I write my thoughts. Also, I want to remember all of this and hence, I have posted it here. This is also my way to thank my friends-family who have stood by us during these tough times. You really don't need to read further if you are faint hearted.
Dealing with Loss
Never imagined that I would ever go through this. One night I got a call from my papa's closest friend. He was crying on the other end. He said papa was unwell and I must leave for the hometown immediately. I could feel my heart pounding at that moment. I knew that my beloved father was no more. I did not cry though, all I kept thinking was about my mother. How helpless she must have been feeling at that moment. Being an only child and living 400 kms far away from them made all of this worst.
I gathered all my courage and left in the midnight to see my father (who was no more) and my grieving mother. I could not cry all the way. I was busy taking care of my toddler and informing the relatives. Due to covid safety, I had to urge people to not visit us physically. They say that grief must be shared but we did not have that option. All we had were ourselves. I reached home after 7 hours. My father was quite a famous man in a small town of Rajasthan. His close friends were gathered outside our house. I entered and saw papa's body lying outside in the porch. I could not gather the courage to look at him. I entered inside only to see my mother in a miserable state.
I can't even begin to explain how close my parents were. They were the most amazing couple. People still swear by their relationship. I tried my best to console my mother. I still had not cried. They took my father to the crematorium in front of my eyes. I still could not cry. I looked at his pale face and promised him to always take care of mum. He left us, forever. All I could think about was how beautiful his life and death was. He had a silent cardiac arrest. There was no suffering. He had earned a lot of name and respect during his limited time on earthside. He lived his life to the fullest.
Time passed. My mother was miserable for the first few days. I could not grieve my father's death for a couple of days because my mother needed me to be strong. My father's priority was always my mother's well being and happiness and now it was mine. Relatives and friends called. I asked them to not visit due to covid safety. Some of them still came. Most of them did not. Some of them brought comfort. Most of them brought pity. I did not need pity. My mom did not need pity. My father did not raise me to be weak. Anyway, time passed and we got better each day. We completed all the rituals with utmost decency and love. We gave him a smiling good-bye.
I started working at 20. Got married at 24. Had my first baby at 27 and lost my father at 29. So, God always had a plan. My father completed all his duties with utmost love and pleasure before leaving for his heavenly abode. Also, I cried on day 3 from his death, when every one was asleep. I cried my heart out but I was not done. I think I will never be done. Random things remind me of him. I just can't believe that he will never come waving in. He will never comment on my social media posts. He will never motivate me with his world class poems. He will never show-off about my career and growth among his friends. I just can't believe that he has left forever.
Papa, I love you. I promise you to cherish the memories and sanskars you have blessed us with. I also promise to live life to the fullest just like you did. I can never be as cool as you but I can atleast try. You will forever be alive in my heart. I love you so much.
From this incidence, I learnt a lot about relations and friendships. Some people were constantly there for us even when they did not need to. Some people who were supposed to be there for us did not bother. I can't begin to explain how my husband took care of everything. I can't help but thank god for the amazing people that he has blessed me with. In last 1 month I have grown up by 10 years. We all know that our parents won't be here with us forever but losing them is still one of the worst thing that can happen to us. Still, life goes on. The void never gets filled but we somehow learn to live with it.
Cheers, Papa! Till we meet again..
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