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Mom Guilt

I read somewhere about a mom who rejoined work 3 months postpartum and has taken her daughter to several countries in last 4 years. That made me feel like a failure. 

I have been on maternity leave followed by childcare leave since Y was born. Thanks to corona, Y has been in-house since he was 7 months old. Before that, being a new mother and a person with moderate OCD, i was too scared to take him out unnecessarily. His only go-outs since March are his pediatrician's visit. He is too small to wear a mask and social distancing ofcourse does not make sense to him, he is a toddler and all he want to do is explore. 

When i see people posting about their children's photoshoots, birthday pictures, ceremonies; I feel nothing but guilt. I feel bad about not being able to give Y all that. He did not have a birthday party because of lockdown. It was just us on his birthday. He barely got any gifts. There was bare minimum decoration which S and I could do ourselves. I baked a cake myself which turned out to be horrible. We could not give him a cake smash photoshoot either. Nothing went as planned. But then, my friends who had huge birthday parties for their kids, told me that it was a good idea to celebrate at home with no strangers around. They said, this way the kid feels comfortable and enjoys much more. So what i have been feeling so far was nothing but mom-guilt. 

That was not the only time i felt mom-guilt, it comes and goes, social media fuels it. It gives me unnecessary anxiety and self doubt. I deal with it by talking to people who are close to me. Sometimes, i stuck with the feeling for a day, sometimes for weeks but eventually it goes away. I have understood that every mom feels and deals with this guilt from time to time. It seems to be an unnecessary part of motherhood to me since Y is so unaffected by this. He does not care about getting million toys, he is happy playing with household items. He does not care about beautiful dresses we get him, he loves running around the house naked. He must have never cared about a birthday party, he was just happy to have all our attention. For him, its the least about material things and the most about love and affection. For him, i am neither a winner mama nor a loser mama; for him, i am just mama, mama who loves him and is there for him, that's all he cares about at this point and may be thats the only thing i should care about too. 
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Comments

Unknown said…
Too good👌👌
11 November 2020 at 01:47
Unknown said…
Amazing write up Apra. Really moving. I am sure this is going to help a lot of mothers sailing the same ship as yours. Great work, keep it up.
11 November 2020 at 02:03
komal said…
Beautifully written! Hugs to you mama 🤗
11 November 2020 at 03:16
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